tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
