she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
