The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
