you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize