He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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