Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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