omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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