My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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