had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Who died my cat blue again?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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