My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
