Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
