He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
