You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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