His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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