Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Randomize
