its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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