The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
