Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
