Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
