my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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