We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
