My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
