I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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