youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
