I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
