broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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