You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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