Can i not drive my cunt home
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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