How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
