Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
