I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
