if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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