please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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