you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
