I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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