I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
