a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
