I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As shirtless as possible
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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