Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize