I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
