I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
