don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
