believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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