The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
