i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
