just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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