I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
