Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
