We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
