I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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