I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
