Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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