u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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