girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
