So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
