the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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