i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
