I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
