if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can I color on your dick again?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
