if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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